Lord and Lady! I can't believe its been since May since I have last written anything. So much has happened in that time that I can't even remember it all.
I left my job where I was working for 5 years. I miserable. It was easier to be numb and try my damnedest to shut myself down emotionally. The downside to this is that it caused a vicious cycle to happen. The harder I tried to shut down, the worse I felt until it caused me to have an anxiety attack. Not a pretty picture.
I've since come to the conclusion that the Medical field is great, it felt as though I were the wick of a jar candle that someone just put the lid on to snuff out.
I decided to go back to school to the local community college to get some sort of degree elsewhere in the medical field hoping that would re-ignite that wick. But the more that I thought about it, the more I felt cold to the idea.
Since just after the beginning of this year, I've started seeing a Psychologist to help sort things out. Even though I may live inside of my head, I don't have all the answers to my own life. None of us do. And those that say they do are full of it. When your life gets to the point where you can't sort out anything anymore and it seems like you are walking on the edge of a knife, it's time to sit down and talk with someone. Whether its a Psychologist, a Priest, or the family dog, do yourself a favor and TALK TO SOMEONE!!!
I've become tired feeling like I'm squandering my life. Why am I working at a job that has no joy? no spark in it? Only reason I can think of is that it pays the bills. That's surviving, not thriving. I look at it and think, "How will I feel about this job in five years?" The answer? Even worse, even more numb and depressed. What brings me joy? what in my past has given life to the wick in the jar candle that the medical field never has?
The more I think on this, the more I wish to return to working with my hands. Go back to Nature. I've always enjoyed being outdoors. I've never liked staying cooped up indoors. From working in my neighbors garden, to working in a greenhouse in high school, to going to my Grandparent's house where they live on the water.
I took a class in taxonomy in high school. over the course of that semester, I learned the taxonomical names of a good many of my local conifers (winter class, it was what was available). Even now, 14 years later, the name Chamaecyparis Thyoides, or Picea Pungens come to mind easier than their common name (Atlantic White Cedar and Blue Spruce respectively)
I've always had a passion for Environmental sciences. With all that it has to offer and all that we are going to need it for in the future, why did I choose the medical field if it holds no spark?
Do what brings you joy in life, don't starve yourself of the oxygen that you need to keep the wick aflame.