I'm going to keep this simple. I've been in a pissy mood for some time now. As the ladies at work would say, "I'm going through it."
I didn't realize what "it" was until just recently. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep. My mind was racing and worrying about my grandparents, and what the future holds in store for them. And what's going to happen after they pass.
These thoughts have been troubling me for months now. I don't know why. I know that certain things are inevitable. I know that things are outside of my control and so therefore, I have no business worrying about it. But that doesn't stop me from feeling a sense of worry and anxiety about this. I did what any normal person of this era would do. I wrote it all out as a plea to the Gods on Facebook.
As I was writing about this desparation that has gripped me I couldn't help but start crying. Releasing all of the months of worry, frustration, and anxiety that I had been battling.
It didn't occur to me until the next day, when the responses started pouring in and several friends of mine pointed out that I was depressed. I always thought it was something that would be a sudden onset of listlessness, of not caring, of constantly feeling sad for no damn good reason. The kind of listlessness where you have little interest or pleasure in doing things; or maybe its when you are down and feeling hopeless and that you will never be up to anyone standards.
I guess I was wrong. Let me tell you what I have felt like when the undertow of depression has tried to pull me from my warm and sunny beach. There are good days, great days even. There are also some days where I felt punching a wall. There have been days where it felt easier to completely shut down emotionally and become cold, unfeeling, and something like a member of the Borg Collective.
Just going about my daily routine at work and not really paying attention to how harshly direct I have been, not just to my patients, but to my co-workers as well. It has just been easier to deal with that way. Apathy has become a way of life. I get to examine things with that dispassionate, ice cold eye.
It has not served me as well as I would have liked. It doesn't end there either. I have to force myself into a schedule of cleaning the house, I have gotten quite nasty with those that I call friends. I've also realized that I don't like to be around crowds so much anymore. That I want to fade into the background.
And the lesson that I am learning from all of this, is that depression has many forms, and it not only changes how you act and feel, but how you are percieved. No matter how much you try to paint a veneer of calm, the varnish will peel and crack and people will always see more than you intend, even if you don't think they are paying attention.
It's time for me to get help with this. Its time to finally admit to myself that all is not right in my world and actually deal with my issues, otherwise how can I be expected to grow as a person? How do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time.